


Dont wanna be in love

by Samxslaughter



Category: 6 Underground (2019)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, F/M, Heartbreak, Reader-Insert, billy is bad at love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-02-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:13:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22826191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samxslaughter/pseuds/Samxslaughter
Summary: Eight just wants one thing from her boyfriend, Billy, and he cant (or wont) give it to her.
Relationships: Five | Amelia & Four | Billy (6 Underground), Four | Billy (6 Underground)/Reader, Four | Billy (6 Underground)/You, Three | Javier/Two | Camille (6 Underground)
Kudos: 25





	Dont wanna be in love

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! I've been posting these to Tumblr for the last few weeks, and figured I would keep all my fic together. So here we are! 
> 
> My tumblr name is the same as it is here, samxslaughter, but all of my writing is posted on mrsalwayswritex so if you'd like to check me out, that would be awesome!

“Billy, why are you so afraid of this?” Eight whispered, reaching for her boyfriends' hands, but he pulled them away.

“I ain't afraid.” He mumbled, not looking her in the eyes, rubbing his sweaty palms onto his dark jeans. “We just don't need to be this touchy where everyone can see.” He stood up and paced the open room where just a few of them were gathered. “It’s still against One’s rules, Eight.”  _ Eight _ . He couldn’t even say her name. She looked down at the floor, instead of his back, which was all she could see.

Five looked back and forth between the two of them, eyes full of sadness for the girl. “Four, come on, it's not like no one knows what's going on between the two of you.” She tried, “All she wants is to hold your hand, it's not like she wants to have sex in front of us all.” 

Billy scoffed, looking at the dark-haired doctor. “You don't know what you're talking about, Amelia.” There it was.  _ Amelia _ . He had no problem letting her name fall from his lips, but not Y/n’s. “Shit.” He seemed to notice it just a minute too late, Y/n already chewing on her thumb, staring at an obviously very interesting spot on her pants. “Eig- shit, Y/n..” He corrected himself too late because she scoffed and jumped over the back of the couch she was sitting on and was out the door before he could move.

“Way to go, asshole.” Seven chimed in from his spot on the corner of the couch. “Five, you wanna get this one?” He pointed towards the door, and Amelia nodded her head, slowly standing and eyes not leaving Billy’s. 

“I fought for this to happen, Billy, you need to get your shit together.” She shoved her pointer finger into his chest harshly. “She loves you, you know.”

“I know.” Billy sighed, throwing the plastic cup he had in his hands across the room. 

-

“Y/n, wait up!” Amelia shouted at the girls back. She didn't turn around but she raised her hand waving the doctor off. “Come on, girl, wait for me.” Amelia jogged up to her, seeing the tears rolling down her face. “Talk to me, Y/n, please.”

“It doesn't even matter, Lia, I appreciate you trying and trying but there's nothing that can be said to make this better.” Y/n wiped her hand across her face, scoffing when she remembered she was wearing Billy’s hoodie. “I keep trying and he keeps pushing me away.” She sighed, unzipping the jacket, letting it slide off of her arms. She shivered at the cool air hitting her bare arms, before shoving the jacket into Amelia’s arms. 

“Don't give up, Y/n, please.” She took the hoodie, folding it over her arms. “He does love you, you know that.” The girl kept walking, passing Billy’s trailer where she had been staying the last few nights.

“I thought I did, but sometimes I just don’t know anymore.” Y/n paused in front of her own trailer. What had once been her safe haven had quickly become a nest of sad memories that she fought hard to not think about. “I'm just gonna walk for a bit, yeah?” Y/n sighed, pulling the doctor into a tight hug.

“At least take this?” Amelia offered her back the blue hoodie, and she could see the thoughts cross the newest ghosts mind. Y/n shook her head, a fresh wave of tears pushing past her eyes. “Okay, hey, it's alright. Will you take mine?” Amelia stuffed Billy’s hoodie between her knees and pulled her own over her head, passing it to the girl who took it with a nod. “Come find me later if you want, hon.” She gave Y/n a hug again and let the girl walk away, towards what they called the plane graveyard.

-

Y/n really did love Billy, even if he seemed to be hesitant towards her, and she  _ knew _ that he loved her too, he was just afraid. Anyone who knew Billy knew that he would never admit to being afraid of anything, but she could see it in his eyes.

When it was just the two of them, the look in his eyes filled her heart to the brim. The way he held her hand, made her heart overflow. The soft kisses that he left all over her face were enough to make her feel like she could fly. Y/n would often lie awake at night, cradled in his arms, watching his chest rise and fall gently, mouth slightly agape. She loved him more than she could ever say.

Billy was the first one who heard her wake in the middle of the night, screaming and crying from nightmares. He was the first one who asked her if she could remember what had her so upset. He was the first one she confided in. He was the first one that made her feel alive again. It was with him that she watched her first sunset  _ and _ sunrise, staying awake all night, nestled cozily on the wing of a plane as they talked about their lives before becoming ghosts.

Here she sat again, on the wing of the same plane, watching the same sunset as she thought back on her time as a ghost. It had been a rough adjustment, being a part of a team that was comprised of snipers, thieves, and hitmen. She had never been in a situation that called for killing before and she had certainly never lived amongst people who killed for a living.

Y/n thought back to when she first became a ghost, shuddering at the thought of where One found her, left alone to die in an alleyway behind a bar. Her mark had caught on to her schemes and he played along, she thought that it was working but when the two of them left the bar together, that’s when she knew that she had been made. When her marks hand was around her throat, her back roughly pinned against the cold brick wall, she was sure that she was done for.

That’s when the man was roughly pulled off of her, she fell to the ground coughing and sputtering at the sudden intake of oxygen. Y/n screamed out when hand found her again, struggling against the hands that held her shoulders. “Hey, it's alright, relax. I'm not here to hurt you.” One whispered to her gently. When she looked into his eyes, she knew that he was genuine. She knew that he was here to help. “I have a job offer for you.” 

Listening to the man, sitting in a quiet corner of an all-night cafe, she accepted his offer quickly. So quickly that he asked again, slower, making sure she understood. “I need to die, so I can really live again.” She had whispered to him and he nodded his head in understanding. 

“I think we will get along just fine.”

-

That night had been over a year ago, and now she was thriving. Her talents had been deemed invaluable to the team by almost all of the team, her new family. One had resisted the first time she called them her family but he had since grown used to it, accepted it even.

She loved her family, but she loved one of them differently than the rest. Billy. Billy was the most important thing in her life and it scared her for a long time, she fought it as much as he was now, and that's why she understood that he really  _ did _ love her. She would stay with him as long as it took for him to realize it, or so she thought.

Y/n and Billy had started slow, leaning on each other for comfort, especially when the nightmares of that night had come back to haunt her. That mark hadn't been the first to ever get rough with her, wasn’t the first to catch onto her game. Billy was there to hold her through the sob inducing nightmares, where she woke up screaming as if she was still there.

Billy was always there for her, with sweet words, soft touches and just being a shoulder for her to cry on. After the night she first told him that she loved him just three months ago, everything had changed. She would wake up in her own trailer, alone and shivering. Billy wouldn't touch her the way that he used to, and he could see that it hurt her. He would always make up for it, though, and she always welcomed him back into her arms, swallowing his apologies with eager kisses which he always returned just as eagerly. 

After nights like those, he would be fine again for only a few days, lingering touches, flirty winks and comments directed to her through their comms, everyone cooing mockingly at them. Y/n loved those moments, when he was unabashed in his affection, planting soft kisses to her temple as they sat in the main room talking about an upcoming mission. 

It never lasted though, which broke her heart but nothing could push him away from her. His moods would change as quickly as the California desert temperatures. It hurt her to know that she had just accepted it, but she had. She had accepted it as just Billy being Billy. She had noticed though, that the mood would change when she told him that she loved him, but she never stopped telling him. She knew that he was afraid, but she also knew that she loved him more than anything in her whole life, and he needed to know that. Everyone deserves to be loved, don't they? 

She accepted his fear, but she didn't think that she would ever give up on him. She believed that she would always be here for when he inevitably came back to her, sadness in his eyes, needing her touch. She thought that nothing would ever make her turn her back on him. Tonight had crushed her though, Billy’s inability to hold her hand was normal, sadly enough, but she never stopped trying.

Last night was one of the nights he had crawled into her bed, whispering apologies against her bare skin as he slid himself into her bed. His breath reeked of alcohol, and his clothes smelled of smoke, but she rolled her body to face him, cradling his face in her hands.

“I'm so sorry, Y/n.” He whispered, leaving soft kisses along her thumbs.

“Billy,” She started, shaking his face ever so slightly to get his eyes to focus on hers. “It’s alright to be afraid..” Y/n watched him close his eyes. “Billy, I love you.” Pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I love you.” Another kiss to his cheek. “I love you.” She whispered, leaning to kiss his lips but he pulled away, a whimper leaving Y/n’s throat. “Billy please..”

“Please, Y/n, please…” He kept his eyes closed, pulling her hands from her face. 

She let a tear fall down her cheek and she closed her eyes along with his, letting her head fall heavily against her pillow. “Please don't leave.” She whined softly, her hands reaching out for him but the spot was already empty. 

“I can't..” Were the last words that she heard before the soft click of her trailer door closing.

“I  _ know _ you love me too, Billy.” She shouted into the darkness, knowing that he was standing outside. She heard his fist hitting the side of her trailer, followed by a soft whimper. “Even if you can't admit it to yourself.” Y/n whispered the last part to herself before pulling her knees to her chest and crying herself to sleep.

-

That morning was the hardest for Y/n. She knew that this would only prolong his mood, but she was beginning to tire of the whiplash. She  _ knew  _ that he loved her, she could feel it in his kisses, in his touches, in his words. She longed to hear the words come out of his mouth. When she walked out of her trailer that morning she saw Two first. She knew. They all knew. Camille’s trailer was close to Y/n’s and she had no doubt heard the exchange last night.

“Good morning,  _ chérie _ .” Camille had pulled the small girl into her side, arm wrapped around her shoulder. The blonde knew how the girl's heart was breaking, and it made her feel protective of her. Y/n may have been the newest to the team but no one could dispute the fact that she completed their dysfunctional little family. Camille and Amelia doting on the young girl, taking her under their wings immediately. Two knew what it was like to break One’s rule. She understood the hardships that came with loving a dead man. 

“How much did you hear?” Y/n looked at the blonde woman sheepishly, voice hoarse from crying. 

“Enough to know that you are right.” Camille gave her shoulder a squeeze as they walked into the main building. “We can all see how much he loves you, don't give up on him,  _ mon caneton. _ ” Two gave her a wink and pulled away from her. Y/n smiled weakly at her, walking over to where Five and Seven sat closely. 

“Can I join you guys?” Y/n hated how hoarse her voice sounded, she didn't notice when she spoke to Camille, but speaking with Amelia, the doctor knew immediately that it had happened again, and  _ tsk _ ed softly.

“Oh honey.” Five opened her arms and Y/n crumpled into them with a soft whine. “That boy will never learn.” She rubbed her hands soothingly along the girls back, Blaine reaching out to grab the girls hand, which she accepted gratefully. When Billy got into moods like this, she just needed to be held, to be touched, and the team knew that and happily obliged.

When Billy walked into the main building that morning, a grimace on his face and sunglasses over his eyes, he stopped short at the sight in front of him. Five had her arms wrapped around Y/n and Seven was holding onto her hand from across the table. Two and Three were whispering softly to each other, both watching him closely as he entered the building. 

“Morning.” He mumbled, walking straight to the kitchen and making himself a fruit smoothie. No one answered him. “You all know that this is none of your business right?” His voice raised higher as he ran a hand through his hair, looking out at his team.

“Don't push us away too, Four.” Seven spat out at him, giving Y/n’s hand one last squeeze before he stood and walked out. Three standing and walking over to Y/n, leaning down to give her a small kiss to the top of her head.

“We don't love you like she does, we won't put up with your shit.” He glared at the blond man, dropping his dishes into the tub filled with water. “Remember that.” He pointed at him as he followed Blaine out.

There was that word again.  _ Love _ . Y/n let out a soft whine at the men on the team standing up for her. She knew they were just adding fuel to his fire and she didn't want that, though she greatly appreciated the support. “Billy, can we-” She pointed outside and she looked at him expectantly. Billy shook his head softly, eyes not meeting hers. “Please.” It was her pleading voice that got him to look directly at her. 

Her eyes were red, puffy like she had been crying for hours.  _ She probably has _ . The thought hit him like a tonne of bricks. The way she looked today was all his fault. He did this to her. He always did this to her. She must be a saint to put up with his shit for all these months. He nodded his head, eyes not leaving hers.

-

The two of them walked in silence, side by side, into the plane graveyard. “Y/n, I'm so, so sorry.” His voice cracking surprised even himself, as he looked at the girl in front of him. He reached for her hand first this time, but she was the one to pull away this time. His heart clenched.

“I need you to say it Billy.” Y/n’s voice wavered slightly as she stared at the dirt under her feet.

“Y/n, please..” Billy reached for her again, but she didn't pull away and he breathed out a sigh of relief.

“At least admit that you're afraid.” She pleaded, a tear slipping down her already streaked cheek.

“I am.” He admitted so softly that had she not been right in front of him, she may not have heard it at all. “I just..” He took a deep breath.

“Do you love me, Billy?” Her gaze flicked up to meet his, the sadness in her eyes made him suck in a sharp breath. “I need to hear it.” She pleaded again.

“Y/n..” He started, turning his head away from her, but she was quick to grab his chin, pulling it roughly back to face her.

“I'm serious, Billy.” Her eyes pleaded with him, though her voice was strong and steady. “Yes or no.” Y/n wiped a tear from her face angrily. When he tried to turn his head away from her again, a choked sob slipped past her lips.

“You know it's not that simple for me, y/n.” He mumbled, eyes looking anywhere but into hers.

“It  _ is _ that simple, Billy.” Her voice was rising and she couldn’t help it. “Either you love me, or you don't.” Pulling her hands away from him, he reached out to pull her back. “I need to know, Billy.” She took a step back. “Right here, right now.” 

“Y/n, please don't do this..” He looked at her, tears threatening to spill from his green eyes. “Please.” 

“Yes or no, Billy.”

“Why do you-” He started, and she held up a finger shaking her head.   


“No, I need you to say it.”

“I can't!” He shouted at her, making her take another step back. “I don't know what you want from me, y/n..” His voice dropping low, reaching for her again, but this time she shook her head and pushed his hands away.

“I want  _ YOU _ , Billy! I want you, and I want us. I want to tell you that I love you and I want you to be able to say it back.” She screamed at him, shoulders shaking with the effort to not let her own tears spillover. “I need you to say it, or I can't do this anymore. I can't keep going like this.” 

“You would leave me? You would throw this, us, away because I won't say it back?” He scoffed at her, she nodded in response. “Please don't leave me, Y/n. I'm trying so hard.”

“No you aren't Billy. I've been telling you for months that I love you.” She pointed a finger at him, “ _ MONTHS  _ of telling you and getting nothing but you leaving in response. You want me to stay, Billy? Give me a reason to stay, tell me you love me.”

“I DON'T WANT TO BE IN LOVE!” He finally snapped, shouting at her, face turning red. She blinked back at him, shrinking away from his anger, wrapping her arms around herself tightly.

“Was that so hard?” She whispered, turning to walk away from him. 

“ _ Shit _ , y/n please wait, that's not what I meant.” His stomach clenched tightly at his own words.  _ He hadn’t meant it _ . He did love her, so why couldn't he just say it. He was losing the only thing in his life that brought him any joy and it was his fault.

“You can't take it back now, Billy.” She scoffed over her shoulder, not stopping her retreat. “You  _ finally _ told me what you really feel, and I have no one to blame but myself.” 

“Please, y/n.” Billy jogged around her, putting his hands on her shoulders, his heart-shattering at the look on her face, the tears freely pouring down her face, chin trembling. “Please..” 

“Please what? Huh? I pushed and I pushed, and all I did was love you. Love you so much that it destroyed me every time you couldn't meet my eyes. Every time you pulled away from me, but I stayed. You yanked my heart out and stomped on it for days until  _ YOU _ were ready to come back and say that you were sorry, but never telling me what I wanted to hear.” She sobbed, closing her eyes and dropping to the dirty ground. “Do you know what it's like to love someone who you know can never love you back? Do you know what it's like to have your heart ripped out, day after day? Of course, you don't. Because you don't love me, you never have and you never can.” Billy dropped to the ground beside her, but she scrambled away from him quickly. 

“I'm done, Billy.” She sobbed into her hands, she kept her eyes to the ground as she stood up, leaving Billy on the ground. “I love you, I always will, but I guess I was wrong when I thought you loved me too.” And with that she took off, running as fast as she could to put as much distance between the heartbreak as she could. She could hear his screams, her name falling from his lips pleading her to come back.

“I  _ do  _ love you..” He whispered to himself, hating that he couldn’t just say the words to her when she needed to hear them the most, and now she was gone.

~x


End file.
